Thoughts #1

There is a lot going on in my head right now. It feels like a storm of different emotions and different levels of importance within those thoughts.

Most important: how scared I am to be living in this world where people can vote gleefully to bomb others. These people aren’t learning, what will bombing a country solve? Isn’t the reason we learn about history to learn from others’ mistakes? It makes me sad and scared and frankly, ill, at the thought of innocent people waking up and knowing they’re being bombed because a powerful capitalist country decided to as a missguided attempt to stop terrorism (by being terrorists themselves).

Secondly important: the environment. I’m vegetarian for lots of reasons. But I can’t bring myself to influence or educate anyone else about it. It stems mainly from the destruction animal agriculture has on the world. People seem to dislike me hugely for being one. It pains me. They have a disconnect with what they eat and how they feel, I know because I once did too. I want everyone to stop eating animals, it’s better for your health, the environment and your soul. How can we have developed so far yet still can’t see pets and cows as the same? We think people eating dogs is disgusting, yet we’ve all been eating other animals for years, there is no difference. The environment is being destroyed and we all know that reducing meat consumption is the biggest way to make an impact, yet people still don’t fucking do it and it makes me angry.

Thirdly important: I am not a real person. I can’t interact with people properly. I can’t sustain relationships. I can’t be happy. I can’t be confident. I can’t do so many things I want to do. I feel more content being this person because I’m lazy. I don’t know how to change. I need other people. How can I have gone 20 years and not found someone I connect with yet. I don’t understand. I haven’t met another human being I connect with ever. Not even friends. I don’t actually feel comfortable with anyone. Everyone stops liking me after a few months. My friendship with A is basically a fake friendship, I never feel like he cares about me, I never feel like anyone cares about me. All we talk about is jokes, and get in arguments. Why can’t I be confident? Why can’t I be a good person? Why can’t I finally change and be great, why do I constantly revert back to this hermit person who is terrible in social situations? I change who I am seriously for a few hours at a time then come back to this person. I can be good for 3 months, then BAM, I’m back to this person for another three. I don’t understand.

Fourthly important: my future. I want to bake. I want to make art. I’m not actually good at either of these. I’m too scared to try anything.

I’m scared and worried and uninspired and hate myself. I don’t want to be this person. I try to change, but I can’t. What do I do. How do I create a worthwhile life, a worthwhile future, why am I so afraid to do things.

Things #1

I sent myself a futureme email yesterday, I’ll recieve it in a year. I’d love to be able to send physical letters but that would cost a lot, the idea of future letter sending is so cool though. I wonder what I’ll be like when i get that email.

I experienced so many emotions today. On my walk to uni I nearly cried and also was contentedly happy. I miss home a lot, and wish I could cultivate the serene life I so desire. I want to be home right now, baking, cooking, making art, decorating the house and my room. I wish to be a patissier.

Whenever I’m asked what I want to do when I’m older, i feel so inadequate, because my biggest dream is really to just live a lovely life. In this current climate you get axed for saying shit like that. Everyone has to have a grand dream that is accessible, earns them loads of money, and is seen worthwhile in the realms of academics. But really, I just want to live in a cottage in the countryside. A gorgeous english cottage with a bit of land in a small town. The inside would be light and wooden with pastel colours dotted around and items I’ve collected that I cherish. A mixture of french country and Florence Welch’s house, with arty pieces and flowers around. It would be open in the summer and cosy in the winter. I’d have a record player constantly murmuring music, my samoyed phoenix padding around and my cat caspian curled up on a windowseat. i’d have a large open kitchen with baby blue motifs, a butlers kitchen, a kitchenaid, a agar and a retro fridge. i’d have a courtyard outside with lots of vines and flowers, where i’d tend to the vege garden and fruit trees.